Two young men are lamenting their state of poverty and discussing the morning's newspaper. In it, a society columnist named Lionel Pantaloon reports some scandalous gossip about several prominent citizens. The narrator gets a brilliant idea. He reckons the people Pantaloon insults would like to punch him in the nose, but they're unable to because of their standing and position. He proposes he and George start a business performing such acts of vengeance for a price. They come up with a list of services, such as giving someone a black eye, punching his nose, throwing him naked onto Fifth Avenue and putting a rattlesnake in their car. Then they have a number of cards printed explaining their business and listing their prices. They deliver these to the offended parties, and within two days they have several orders to fulfil. They begin to dream about the riches they'll be paid and living in grand hotels. The narrator has another brainstorm and realizes they can get paid multiple times for the same act. Each customer will think the vengeance was for them alone. Thus, as they have three orders to punch Pantaloon in the nose, they decide to handle him first. The plan is simple: Pantaloon is always at the PenguinClub late at night, so they'll show up and ask for him to come out. George will punch him and then escape in the rented 1934 Chevrolet the narrator has waiting. They telegram the three customers with the details of the encounter so the customers can watch. Then they procure a fake moustache for George to disguise him. At the appointed time, George approaches the doorman and passes him a note to give to Pantaloon. He claims to be a Soviet Consulate worker with a life-and-death matter. Unable to resist the bait, Pantaloon comes out to talk with him. George gives him a tremendous punch on the nose that lifts him clear off his feet. He then dashes to the car and the two men escape. They drive quickly through the snowy streets but soon realize they're being tailed. Knowing they can't escape, they stop. Instead of the police, it turns out to be one of the customers. He explains it was the funniest thing he's ever seen and he happily pays them double their fee. He also advises them to get out of town quickly before Pantaloon figures out what happened. The men wait around another day to receive the rest of their payment and then catch a train out of town. They discuss their plan to bet the money on a horse race, and they daydream about how wealthy and important they'll become. "Perhaps we might even get ourselves mentioned in Lionel Pantaloon's column," George muses.
Television adaptation
The story was adapted for television in a 1980 episode of Tales of the Unexpected.
